I’m not stressed
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.