I’m not stressed
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I am, perchance
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.