I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope