I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
