I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
![]()
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
![]()
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Gas station lines at 2 am:
![]()
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.