Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti