@rickolantern

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

You Might Also Like

@andlikelaura

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@PJTLynch

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@EllDavey

I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.