Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you are a joke.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.
I’ve had 6 cups of coffee and am about to shave my pet cactus