I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
🤣🤣🤣
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black