I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert