I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*