I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Kermit goes Blue.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
#Caturday
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”