Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

PARKOUR

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???