I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
me, too, girl. me, too.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.