Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Children of the corn 🌽

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*