I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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My whole life was a lie.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*