I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life