I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
oh my god
