Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Bike is short for Bichael.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

Greeting humans vs their dogs

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.