Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

I forgot how to panic. Help

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.