Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless