I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Its true…
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Squirrels before girls.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”