@GensPlace

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

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@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@Gupton68

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

@kevinrowe1

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

@simly01

Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?

@minermikeminer

Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.

@McKnightyBoo

My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to

Go ahead. Have kids

@kumailn

Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.