I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!



– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash


BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist


Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.


Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…


Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?


Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.


My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to

Go ahead. Have kids


Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.