I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour