Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

Is fructose made with real fruct?

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Peace was never an option

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

anyone else like Italian cereal