Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what