Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

ㅤ

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.