I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I love wikipedia
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad