I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Whoops
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS