Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

This classic never gets old . . .

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*