Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.