Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

You might just have to resign…

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.