I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
These are my emotional support Pringles.