I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
*jazz hands*
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can’t bark with your mouth full
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Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
smartest karate player in the world
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”![]()
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot