I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Admin smashed it 😂
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”