[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
You Might Also Like
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks