I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Safety first
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.