I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Guys, I found it.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break