Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee