I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted