Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service