Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Cat is stressing him out.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]