@chuuew

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

- @chuuew

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@Robinbuble

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

@ArfMeasures

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

@iwearaonesie

[IKEA]
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*

@Cheeseboy22

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

@Reverend_Scott

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE