I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve