I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.