“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.