Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Let’s Go

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

That’s commitment