I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
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I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Love is always patient and kind.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Stop sending me this shit.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes