I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
How did we not see this back then?
