Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.