I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’M CRYINGGG
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back