Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

a lot to unpack here

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

@funTweeters