Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener