I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
british sex workers really pound for pound
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.