Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.