I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.