I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
i want enemies
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.