I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point