I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]