I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
my first day as a raccoon
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
brian had himself a morning…
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.