I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
You Might Also Like
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
hand it over!
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice