Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”