Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.