Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning