Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

🚲+physics = winner

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?