Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

3: I want a pair of shoes like yours

Me: how about you ask Santa?!

3: how about we just order them now

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

I hate everything

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital