I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us