I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on