Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.