Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman