Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.