Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

this is the news I live for

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.