I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
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My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.