Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Breaking news:

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.