I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
shampoo implies shampee
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch