Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

Seems legit

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26