Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell