Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.